This post is kind of harder to write than any of the other post i have written as it is exposing a very personal side to me. I thought if people heard my story then it may help them in some way. I have suffered panic attacks for some years now, it all started when i had a migraine attack. I was hospitalised for three day as they thought i had a stroke. I was about twenty seven at the time and i actually thought this is the end of my life.
I was so scared, I thought I was going to die. All I could think of was my children, who will care for my children. It is a good job I had most of the family I have now so I knew they would be raised around people who loved them. Just not me!!?? Anyway, i survived and it turned out to be a blockage in the left-hand side of the blood flow to my brain. (luckily it was a temporary blockage) I can’t tell you the technical term for it.
This episode scared me so much i started having panic attacks. The first one i had was when i went out for the first time after the migraine attack on my own. It was terrifying. The attacks have carried on since then and now i am finally learning to live with them and can even control them. (sometimes) When i started thinking about writing this posy i thought the best way to describe what it feels like to have a panic attack was to document one of them as it happened. Obviously it would have to be a mild one as if it was a major one i could not have controlled it let alone wrote it down.
I am going to write the events of the attack exactly as I wrote it down during the attack so forgive my incoherent rambling and un-ended sentences. It started on a normal day at work but i went to work with a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was not sure what was wrong but i just knew something was coming…. something was going to happen. I look back at it now like an early warning system for panic attacks.
Here we go,
Panic attack on come
out of my body
seeing life through someone elses eyes
feel like i am trapped in here
disassociated from my self
world around me just sounds and noises
tapping on a key board
people non stop chatting
why me? why now?
just need quiet
cant go home
cant tell anyone
act normal some one is coming
stop writing cant let them see
do some work
cover writing with my book
people sound funny
thank god he has a screw in his mouth
its not my panic attack getting worse
trying to take my mind off my panic attack
is it helping
difficult to breathe like my nose is blocked
wish i could tell them
maybe they would stop banging
its making me more anxious
now i am shaking
stressing about stupid stuff like filing really!?!?!
pain in left hand side of my head
keeping my mind off panic attack
starting to feel better now but must have taken an hour
still not better
watching my arms dont seem like mine
for time after can’t function properly
electronic/speech/hearing all work worse than before
brain function three hours later still not back to capacity
headache worsening panic attack sudsiding
I then left work and went home which is my safe place with Chris who is the only person who seems to be able to help me when this happens. Its something about the tone in his voice that soothes me. I learned that if you have a safe place or a safe person you can control the panic attacks a lot easier than if you are on your own in a strange place. If you are like me and suffer panic attacks i would advise you to find your safe place/person as soon as you can. Dont ask me how you find it all i know is you will know when you find it as you start to feel better quicker, no not better, just like a child who knows when they are scared they are in safe hands.
Thanks for reading and I hope you understand how hard for me this was to write but I really needed to speak out about the terror and if I can help anyone it will be well worth it. Although I do feel exposed and slightly embarrassed telling the whole world I suffer from panic attacks. Please don’t judge me, it could happen to you!! I was never just a normal girl as I never had a conventional upbringing but I never thought this would happen to me.
Thanks for reading and come back soon for more tales from The Go To Girls Blog.
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